Medical Report

Mrs. Smith: Hello, are you the Doctor who operated on my husband? How is he?

Doctor Roberts: Hello Mrs. Smith, I am doctor Roberts, and I am the doctor who worked on your husband. He is a terrific man miss, and I did everything I could, I slaved over his body, using all that modern medicine could give. He is alive, and with god willing, he will be around for many more years to come. Your husband is very much responsive, and my guess he will be ready to depart from this hospital in approximately two weeks. Now when he does eventually come home, I want you to know that he is very much a normal man, and should be treated as if this whole ordeal never happened, do you understand me? Treat him as if he is still a normal happy go lucky guy. The same man you fell in love with those many years ago. Now listen to me Mrs. Smith, though the surgery was a success, and he is alive. There are some minor side effects and extra precautions you must now take into serious consideration, though these precautions and side effects are minor, they may slightly change your life, and you must learn to adapt around these misfortunes. Now, first side effect he will be experiencing is lack of vision, this should clear up in 2 to 3 months. Also he will start to lose hair on his body, im afraid it might never grow back. He may also have bladder trouble, all you need to do is simply keep a bed pan around him at all times. Dry eyes is another side effect, and so is making lots of Star Jones jokes. Also your husband may pretend to be a bunny rabbit, this is very normal and can be dealt by simply dressing as a horse and shaking you hoof at him. He can also experience dry mouth, just keep feeding him ice chips, and make sure that he is taking lots of liquids. You should also know that he may seem different, almost as if he is another person. He could come home and act like his sister, or best friend, or even Carl Winslow, the lovable cop and father in the sit-com, "Family Matters". You also may find him crawled up in a corner wearing a chicken costume singing My Heart Will Go On, this im afraid is the most common side effect. He also will take a strong liking to sheep shearing, and occasionally will walk around the house speaking Yiddish. Please understand Mrs. Smith, you need to love him, love is the most effective medicine these days, always has been, and always will. Oh, and I almost forgot. You also need to read him the great Gatsby every time he clips his toe nails. Oh, and I accidently put a box of Lorna dunes inside your husbands liver, it was my mistake. You see a nurse came up to me with a cup of apple juice while I was operating. I though it was a urine sample and I accidently cut open you husbands stomach and opened up his liver, I went to the store and purchased a box of lorna dunes and placed it inside. Oh, and he can only attend football games dressed as Benjamin Franklin. I hope you can live with this, think of it as a blessing. Goodbye Mrs. Smith, and im sure he wont need to be circumcised again.

Mrs. Smith: ................ok.