Henry David Thoreaus Walden, The Missing Chapter

Recently historians have found the missing chapter to Thoreaus classic, Walden...

As I sat in my small cabin I reflect of my times in these woods. It has been long and hard living on my own, but for the most part it has been most amusing. Often I awake with the sun greeting my face, or a young moose singing Tangerine. Flowers bloom, birds sing, and a deer gracefully comes in my room and stands there. For a deer is only capable of prancing and the room was far too small for such business. I send my parents a letter today, in which I explained that I have no wishes to see them, " Please leave a sandwich under the Towns golden bell, and if there is not a golden bell, please persuade the town to build one". After the letter I took a swim in the pond, when I went to dry off I realized my clothes where indeed missing again. These thieves seem to attack in the night, for today I woke up with my stove missing, my gardened ruined, and my bed sheets changed. I fear that they will attack again, I will take them hostage, but I wont be fooled like last time. When they told me that they where going for a car ride but there wasn’t enough seat belts for everyone. My loneliness has ceased to exist this week, at times however It has been very difficult. I had one visitor who was lost in the woods, I asked him if he needed a place to stay, he shook his head no while continuously saying yes, I became so confused I began to hemorrhage. I miss the contact of people, but I am grateful for my time with myself. I have come up with many new philosophies, for instance, why do we have more than one room in our house, when we can only be in one room at a time. Also, why do radio DJ’s sometime say the artist name before the song, when we all prefer it after. I explained my theory to a wandering traveler who responded by staring at me for 47 minutes. The night grows long in the summer, the stars shimmer and flirt with my wandering eye. The moon seduces the romantic, the breeze cools the gentle beast, and the citrus of the orange burns my left eye resulting in faulty depth perception which becomes apparent when handing out communion at church. I think of child birth today, how wonderful it would be to someday have a child of my own, certainly not in these conditions. For a child must be developed in society, for I am afraid he would be lost. It seems we need others to define who we truly are, also who would tell him his blinker is still on while driving. Suddenly a thought did come to me, a startling thought that has awoken new inspiration. What if there is no beginning to life, what if we just are. What if there was no beginning to the world, we just think there was. Does that mean there will be no end? What if we don’t really die, if that is the case then I am invincible. No god can punish me, no man can wound me. I truly am invincible, and I also am really rubber, and you are really glue, and whatever you throw bounces off me and sticks to you. But that would mean we all are invincible sense we are all here, so you are rubber as well, so whatever you throw at me bounces off me and then bounces off you, and we just keep going back and forth until someone really is glue, then they would take whatever you throw, it would stick to them, then they would realize they too are invincible and become rubber, but if we all are rubber then we would all just keep bouncing. On the plus side however the practice of safe sex would increase. But that could lead to a severe decrease in the population then there will be no more children. So you know what, forget I even mentioned it. I realized today that when I live on my own I am a great king of my domain, I rule all I see. I am fair and kind, yet rule with an iron fist. Much like the great kings of our day such as King Henry 3rd, or king Louie, certainly not King Marlo, he ruled with an iron fist but his servants often took his favorite seat at the dinner table. Life sure does present troubles, most of which are created from society, perhaps society is not so bad, for we are conditioned from it. Tomorrow I will consider the possibility of moving back, also I still need a sandwich.

Robert Flashery has just been told he has 13 days to live...

How can this be, I was perfectly healthy, I was happy, I was living life to the fullest. Now im doomed, my life will come to an end in 13 days. I don’t deserve it, I have been good person. Although there was a phase in my youth in which I use to break into peoples houses and change their bed sheets when they where sleeping. I like to think I’ve treated people with ease, and kindness, I’ve been extremely patient as well. Others have also treated me well, showing me kindness, and pleasant conversations. There was a time however when I woke up to find my favorite lawn gnome gone and replaced with and old Native American. I must speak to god.

Robert: Hello god, are you there?

God: No.

I don’t deserve this, I am a good person, I wonder what death is like? My friend was once in a car accident, he says he died for a few seconds then came back to life. He told me Heaven was great, however there was a unfortunate shortage of measuring cups. I don’t want to die of an illness, I want to go like one of the greats. My friend Albert, he died last year in his kitchen. He accidently put rat poison in his chili. I will never forget his last words when he looked up at me and whispered , " I never liked the cabinet space". I just hope when I die, it will be quick, and painless, Im sure its awkward having long deaths, such as a quick sand encounter. I hope there is a god, I grew up catholic, and I always use to believe in it. The local priest once told me if I did not believe in god I would be banished to hell and restricted from having Missouri citizenship.
Once the doctor told me this tragic news, I started to think of all the things I have yet to accomplish in my life. I’ve always wanted to sky dive, oh, and I’ve always wanted to go on a real romantic date. For instance take a beautiful women to a great little ethnic restaurant, the only ethnic place I’ve ever been to was tragic. For the main course, they served Viking. I’ve often thought about inventing something, something that would change the course of man. Such as a machine that could calibrate, the exact moment the world would end. For my first grade science project the only invention I could come up with was an gasoline powered utensil which accidently attacked my science teacher. Leaving her with no fine motor skills, and the surprising ability to fold her tongue like a clover. She then was married to a baseball player she met in a bar who was so impressed with her ability, that he was going to ask her for her hand in marriage. Unfortunately the baseball player tried to be creative and pitch the ring too her while saying, " This aint no curve ball baby", and due to her poor motor skills could not catch the ring and was blinded in one eye.
I guess ill never be able to meet the president, or meet an established war veteran. The only unique person I ever met was apart of an odd gamma ray incident, in which his hair was left half curly, and half sour cream. I guess life is just too strange to not enjoy, so I will just have to suck it up, and die peacefully. Good bye cruel world, this is Robert Flashery, wishing all a good day, and good night.

Help wanted, Writers Block

HELP, I need help. I am a journalist and I have massive writers block. I no longer feel like I can write on my own, I am writing this letter in hopes someone will help me!!! I’ve tried getting help from other people. I went to this one Professor who seemed to know how to cure the block. I trusted him and worked with him tirelessly on reports but he had a unique style of teaching. I stopped going after he placed a red lobster biscuit on my head and strangled my second cousin named Robert which we all called sal due to a bizarre book club incident in which half of his tongue was amputated and he can no longer pronounce Robert. I even went to a library to read as much as I could, I met a wonderful Librarian, she was sweet yet she had a suspicious haircut. She eventually called the cops on me when I kept starring at her chest and preceded to act like I didn’t know what time it was. Luckily I was not arrested for the police department was still grieving over the untimely death of their favorite pogonia. My favorite type of journalism is to cover crimes, that was my forte. I once won an award for my article on a local murderer who would attach skiis and a blindfold to his victims and send them down a rocky mountain side. To cover his crime he also attached a sign to the victims that read, " I thought it was the bunny hill". It managed to fool cops for a while, but it quickly ended when the murderer used the same sign during a drowning. I also did some undercover work, I once admitted myself into a jail to get the real experience. It was nice, I enjoyed the working out time, the food, and the forced coloring sessions. Basically I need that kind of creative stimulation, If you can help me, perhaps give me some techniques, it would be greatly appreciated.

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It Was A Stormy Night

It was a stormy night, the stormiest night Chicago has ever seen. Rain poured onto the floor like marbles hitting pavement. Wind screamed like howling wolves, and thunder pounded like powerful locomotives. It was a dark atmosphere, you see 26 weary travelers where about to embark on flight 2295, their destination, Connecticut. Their captain, James Pierce, their weather, terrible, David Lee Roth or Sammy Hagar, neither.
A young business man by the name of Allen Storesbocker soon entered the plane. He was sharply dressed in an all brown suit, a black derby, and a small umbrella at his side. You see, Alan was on a tight schedule, he needed to make it to Connecticut for a very important business meeting. The passengers sat in their seats, anxious to carry on with their flight. Unlucky business man Allen Storesbocker had the wing seat. The flight began to take off, slowly it drifted into the sky, powerful gust of wind tried to slow the plane down, then the pilot got on the speakers.
" Hello all, this is your captain speaking, James Pierce, I want you to all have a nice flight and I have one testicle".
The plane seemed to relax after a while, and many started to find sleep. Allen on the other hand could find no sleep, for he just had 306 cups of coffee. He needed to take his mind of things, so he opened up the window and starred into the deep dark sky. His eyes seemed to fall into its dark abyss as his mind drifted from star to star. All of a sudden a strange figure started to come in focus. It would seem as if someone was sitting on the wing of the plane. " I must be seeing things", thought Alan. He closed the window and tried to sleep. Then he heard a tapping on the window, he opened it slowly, being careful not to draw attention. He gazed out there and there the figure was again, " Hey pal", Allen whispered to the passenger next to him. " Hey buddy, wake up Sir". " What, what is it?" The passenger slowly came from his deep sleep. " Listen to me, this may sound a bit odd, but I think there is someone, or something on the wing of this plane. I know it sounds crazy, honest I know. Please just take a look, I want to know if im losing my mind or not". The passenger looked at Allen and responded, " sure, ok, but after I want to get some sleep ok?" Allen opened up the window once again, the man looked out and squinted his eyes. " Do you see it?", asked Allen. "No, no I don’t see anything, perhaps you just need to get some rest". The man returned to his sleep position and closed his eyes. Allen then peered out the window himself, and indeed there was nothing there.
"Ms. Oh Ms.? Please get me a pillow, I wish to sleep now". The attendant soon came back with a soft pillow and placed it under Allens head.
" Boy I must be off my rocker, come on Allen get some sleep", he said to himself. Soon he heard thudding, loud thudding coming from his left. He looked all around the plane, then looked out the window. " I see it!" Shouted Allen. He looked at the figure who now appeared to be reading a G Q magezine. " Look, everyone look out my window, there’s something on the wing, there is I tell you, there is!" Many passengers soon looked at the window. " My god, there is something out there". The figure now doing crunches on a medicine ball. An attendant looked at the figure, " I think it looks like a man". A passenger with a large mustache peered out the window. " It is a man". Allen now gazing at the figure, " But who is it?" A women stood up, " It kind of looks like Corey Feldman. " My god it does, it does look like Corey Feldman", said a women. " Oh come on, Corey Feldman?", said a man. The attendant looked out the window, " I think it is him". Soon everyone was looking out the window trying to figure out why Corey Feldman was on the wing of an Air Plane. " Its not Corey Feldman", screamed Allen at the top of his lungs. " Listen, I think we should tell the pilot".
The pilot then came out of the cock pit, " What is everyone yelling about"? An attendant approached him, " Captain Pierce, this may sound odd, but it appears that there is a creature on the wing". Captain looked puzzled, " Let me have a look". He looked out the window and sure enough there was a figure, who was now riding an exercise bike. " Why, it looks like Corey Feldman". Allen now becoming frustrated, " For heavens sake, its not Corey Feldman"! I think we should talk to it", said an attendant. " By the way captain, no one is flying the plane". The captain then stood up strait and said, " Listen, I think I should go fly the plane, but we need to stay calm, Im sure Mr. Feldman had a good reason for being on the wing of this aircraft".
Allen then sat back in his seat in deep thought, " We need to talk to it", Allen got a piece of paper and a black magic marker and started to write. He held up the sign to the window which read, "Who are you". A few minutes later the figure held up a sign that said, " I like corn on the cob". Allen wrote another one which said, " Please, Who are you?" The figure then held up a sign that said, " You can dance If you want to, you can leave you friends behind...". Allen now very frustrated screamed at the figure, " Show yourself!". The figure then proceeded to clip his toenails.
" I don’t know what kind of creature that is sir, but I don’t think it likes you", said a man. "Enough, im going to get to the bottom of this", Allen then went to the back of the air craft where he could think. He locked himself in the bathroom and thought. First he thought about the passengers, then he thought about the creature on the wing, then he looked at the razor slots in the bathroom and wondered if people actually shave in these things. Once he got a plan, he opened up the door at returned to his seat, once there he looked at his fellow passengers and noticed that they where dressed in Michael Jackson outfits. " Listen up people, we are going to have to fly the air plane upside down, we need that thing to be off. Everyone get back in their seats, and strap that seat belt on very tightly". Then a man interrupted, " but the light isn’t on." Allen then looked at him, " It does not matter, you need to put it on". Allen then walked into the cockpit, the pilot was busy playing connect four. " Captain, listen to me. You have to fly the plane upside down, we need that creature to fall off. " I suppose that is the only way. The altitude looks pretty good, and so does the height. Tell everyone to hold on tight and buckle in, and that Green apple Jolly ranchers taste bad". Allen then went to his seat and strapped in tight, he looked at the window. The figure was starring at him. He plane slowly began to drift upside down. " This will do it", Allen said to himself. The plane was almost completely upside down. On wing, the figure was coloring, he began to realize that the plane was going upside down and appeared to start swearing. Little by little, the creature could not hang on. Eventually he let go and the plane went back to its upright position. " WE DID IT", screamed Allen. Everyone began to clap and cheer, Allen stood and said, " Its over, now lets get to Connecticut, and forget this every happened".
Finally the plane reached its destination, and everyone exited the plane. " Glad that is over", Allen then got his bags and exited the plane. He breathed in a sigh of relief and got into a taxi. " Take me to the red roof in". The taxi driver then turned around, " No, this cant be, no!" The creature was driving the taxi ( How predictable was that, clearly the story wasn’t over cause there is so much writing on this page). "Listen , pull over, now, do it now. I bet you don’t even have a licence". The creature drove the car to an old cave, and shut off the car and got out. Then realizing he left his lights on went back in and shut them off. " Get out!" Allen then got out of the car. " Don’t hurt me". The creature then sat down at a table with drinks all over it. " Do you think its easy? Do you think its easy being a creature who sits on wings, everybody thinks im that creature in the twilight Zone episode, well im not, I just happen to sit on wings of planes, is that so wrong? By the way your not leaving here". Allen needed to think of a plan, he first thought he would fight is way out, but then he realized that the creature was stronger than he. He then started to have the creature say all his problems and pour him drinks. Eventually the creature became intoxicated and the two had a really nice time. They laughed and talked about old times, Once Allen laughed so hard milk came out of his nose, which was odd for he was drinking orange juice. The creature stood up and looked at Allen and started to weep. " What am I doing, I should not be doing this, please, you can leave". Allen then stood up and said, " ok". Allen walked away, first he felt happy, then he felt depressed, then he felt noshes for milk was still coming out of his nose. Allen looked at the creature and stated, " Ill visit you again, Perhaps you can come on more planes".
On Allen went, on his walk back to the red roof inn, he reflected on his experience. " Maybe the creature who sits on wings of air planes is a good thing, he is not so bad". He concluded that everyone needs love, and that it may be tough being different, but sometimes its ok to be the one on the wing of an air plane, even though your hat would keep blowing off. He also realized that he did kind of look like Corey Feldman.

Medical Report

Mrs. Smith: Hello, are you the Doctor who operated on my husband? How is he?

Doctor Roberts: Hello Mrs. Smith, I am doctor Roberts, and I am the doctor who worked on your husband. He is a terrific man miss, and I did everything I could, I slaved over his body, using all that modern medicine could give. He is alive, and with god willing, he will be around for many more years to come. Your husband is very much responsive, and my guess he will be ready to depart from this hospital in approximately two weeks. Now when he does eventually come home, I want you to know that he is very much a normal man, and should be treated as if this whole ordeal never happened, do you understand me? Treat him as if he is still a normal happy go lucky guy. The same man you fell in love with those many years ago. Now listen to me Mrs. Smith, though the surgery was a success, and he is alive. There are some minor side effects and extra precautions you must now take into serious consideration, though these precautions and side effects are minor, they may slightly change your life, and you must learn to adapt around these misfortunes. Now, first side effect he will be experiencing is lack of vision, this should clear up in 2 to 3 months. Also he will start to lose hair on his body, im afraid it might never grow back. He may also have bladder trouble, all you need to do is simply keep a bed pan around him at all times. Dry eyes is another side effect, and so is making lots of Star Jones jokes. Also your husband may pretend to be a bunny rabbit, this is very normal and can be dealt by simply dressing as a horse and shaking you hoof at him. He can also experience dry mouth, just keep feeding him ice chips, and make sure that he is taking lots of liquids. You should also know that he may seem different, almost as if he is another person. He could come home and act like his sister, or best friend, or even Carl Winslow, the lovable cop and father in the sit-com, "Family Matters". You also may find him crawled up in a corner wearing a chicken costume singing My Heart Will Go On, this im afraid is the most common side effect. He also will take a strong liking to sheep shearing, and occasionally will walk around the house speaking Yiddish. Please understand Mrs. Smith, you need to love him, love is the most effective medicine these days, always has been, and always will. Oh, and I almost forgot. You also need to read him the great Gatsby every time he clips his toe nails. Oh, and I accidently put a box of Lorna dunes inside your husbands liver, it was my mistake. You see a nurse came up to me with a cup of apple juice while I was operating. I though it was a urine sample and I accidently cut open you husbands stomach and opened up his liver, I went to the store and purchased a box of lorna dunes and placed it inside. Oh, and he can only attend football games dressed as Benjamin Franklin. I hope you can live with this, think of it as a blessing. Goodbye Mrs. Smith, and im sure he wont need to be circumcised again.

Mrs. Smith: ................ok.

The True Adventures Of Lewis And Clark

Lewis and Clark where riding through a deadly desert. Lewis was sitting on the other side of the wagon, for Clark had a terrible cold which caused him to loose control of his right arm. As the wagon traveled it rocked and jumped. Eventually the sand became too deep, and the wagon could go no further. They continued their expedition on foot, both felt the staggering presence of paranoia, for they knew they where being followed. Being followed by a man named koobawa, who had a passion for Gazebos. They first saw Koobawa when they came across his tribe of cannibals. They managed to escape by Tip Toeing away while singing Desperado. This was better then the last time they had to escape, in which Clark dressed as a tree. It took longer for him to escape for the Tribe liked the tree so much they used it as a Christmas tree. Luckily they weren’t like those people who take down the tree in July, it was shortly taken down in January. Clark had not been recognized, it was suspicious however when there was a party and the tree flirted with some of the females. The Tree was soon arrested for sexual harassment, he was released shortly on good behavior. When he returned to the tribe as a tree they all welcomed him, and one of the females fell in love with the tree and they soon became married. After their second child Clark revealed to her that he was not a tree and left.

Koobawa was following them because he knew that they where going to see if spirits where still in the tomb of Derrick. Lewis and Clark took a break from walking and sat on a log. Lewis was becoming hot, the sun was blazing and it didn’t help that there was a small Korean man sitting on his lap. He quickly shooed him away and took a swig of water. " Im so hungry", said Clark. Clark then gazed at Lewis, who suddenly turned into a drum stick in Clark’s mind. Then Lewis gazed at Clark and he turned into a piece of bacon. Then Koowaba gazed at Lewis, but he turned into nothing cause Koowba is a Cannibal, and that my friends is terrible imagery. Clark soon came to wonder why there was a log in the middle of the dessert. " WAIT, I know, this log is a marker, we must be getting close to the tomb". " Finally, we are going to see if spirits still roam the Tomb of Derrick, then we can report it to the president, and he can be happy and not pay us enough". "Exactly", Lewis said proudly.

On they traveled, deep into the night, and far into the morning. They came up to a big rock which had a large Neon sign that said Derricks Tomb. " This must be it Clark". " My God, it is, it really is". " Lets knock on this door". Lewis then gave a large pound on the door. " Who be there?" said a deep voice. "It is Lewis and Clark". " And Koowaba", he whispers from behind a cactus. " For we are the great explorers of the Louisiana Purchase". The door slowly opened to reveal a small women with a mustache and a mullet that kind of looked like the one that John Stamos had in the first season of Full house, but not really.

" This way, we have been expecting you". They slowly crept down a dark corridor which was dimly lit by George Formen grills. They came up to a room, they entered cautiously and sat down in the chairs. For there was not enough chairs for everyone, a brief game of musical chairs soon began. Clark lost, but soon claimed that Koowaba was cheating, he brought up a good point and he got the chair. All the lights in the room shut off quickly and a cool breeze swept the room. A large Spirit soon floated down in front of them. " I am the ghost of Derrick, and this is my tomb. You have already met one of my spirits, the really ugly women, and here is Sean. Sean is a very old spirit who had a hard time adapting from making candles flicker to turning off light switches really fast when electricity was invented. How do you like this"? All of a sudden chains grabbed old of the boys and they where all trapped, water slowly began to leak in. " OH no, what are we going to do"? Said Clark. " Just stay calm, we just have to think". " Great just great, I start to follow you thinking you are great explorers, and look at the mess you have gotten ourselves into". Koowaba screamed. " Stop, Just stop it, we have to think, we still have time to get out of this, just think"! The boys thought long and hard, then Koowaba had a question. " Hey, what ever happened to that Sakajeweya women?" " Well Clark over here kept calling her sack of shit, she eventually got sick of it, and after he said it again she slowly tip toed away while saying the pledge of allegiance". Lewis then starred at Clark, who then stared at Lewis, Koowaba starred at Clark. Then Clark starred at Koowaba. Then Lewis starred at Koowaba, so Koowaba starred at him. " Look! There is a key over there, well at least I think it is, do you see that rock over there, I think it has a key sticking out of it. I think it is, Clark you are the closest, grab it with your feet". " Which rock"? Says Clark. " The one that kind of looks like Donnie Wahlberg". The water now up to their knees and still flowing. Clark gets a hold of the rock with his feat. " You know I don’t like Donnie Wahlberg". " Really"?, said Koowaba. " Yeah, I really don’t like him". The giant spirit soon appeared. " Not like Donnie Wahlberg, how can you not like Donny Wahlberg", Bellowed the spirit in a deep voice. " I don’t know I just don’t, I mean he just does not seem like a proper entertainer". The spirit spoke once again, " But come on, its Marky Mark". The water now up to their belly buttons, and Koowba’s third nipple, Clark needed to move fast.

Clark unlocked himself, then Lewis, and then Koowaba. " Alright Lewis we need to get out of here fast". " Not so fast boys you are not going to go anywhere cause you are going to live with me forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and you are going to be happy and you will enjoy your stay here cause I will make you enjoy it ( Run on sentence). Lewis and Clark seemed to be in a terrible jam, for they where now trapped in the Tomb, with a very large spirit, a really ugly women, a canabal, and ghost named Sean who was now enjoying a roast beef sandwich.

Koowaba then screamed, " We are trapped, we are never going to get out of here". The spirit looked at them and started to do a evil laugh, he then began to choke, then resumed the evil laugh. " You will never get out of here!" Soon the chains where back on them, and water once again began to flow in. It would seem as if now the boys where going to die with a cannibal, a ugly women, a big spirit, and a ghost named Sean who was now clipping his toe nails.

Suddenly a large explosion rang through the tomb. "What was that!", screamed the spirit of Derrick. " Hello my friends". For it was Sakajeweya, here to save the day. " Sack of shit, nice to see you". She then slowly walked away. " NO, he is kidding, come back". She then came back, and carried the three men all at once out of the tomb. She stayed behind and taught the spirits how to grow really large pieces of corn.

For another day had passed, and Lewis and Clark could now carry on their adventure. " Hey Lewis, can you believe we got out of this one", said Clark. " It was hard, but we sure had an adventure though right buddy". " We sure did Lewis, we sure did". Then all of a sudden a spirit figure approached and yelled, " Im going to eat you all, you cant escape". " OH no, you stay away", screamed Clark. Then the spirit took of the white sheet to reveal Koowaba. "Gotcha". All the boys laughed, " OH Koowaba, you silly cannibal", he was immediately stabbed. The boys then rode off into the sunset, once again no one sitting next to Clark for he had a new cold in which he could not control the movement of his ears.

Breaking News

There was a bank Robbery on 45th avenue today, near the shopping plaza. A man by the name of Sherman Oliver strolled into First Source Bank and politely gave the clerk a piece of paper. The clerk said the paper was written in Spanish, she had took a little bit in highschool so she came to the conclusion that it said, ", This is a Stick up", but she wasn’t sure. So she called over a Spanish Clerk. He read the piece of paper and determined it was upside down. When turned to its proper reading viewing point it did say this is a stick up, and the two had a brief chuckle.

Sherman apparently became frustrated at went crazy, I as a good reporter I did a brief research on this thief. Sherman was not an ordinary man, for Sherman Oliver was an inspiring writer. He slaved over his type writer to compose brilliant work. Sherman walked into an talent agency hoping that he would score a deal for his writings. The talent agent glanced at the sheet and stated, " your never going to make it kid", and slowly ate the piece of paper. Down on life he turned to a life of crime. His first robbery was the circus, he tried to rob a group of ventriloquist but ran away in confusion from not knowing which one was actually talking. Apparently he just kept robbing places from there, including the one today. The robbery today was a brutal one, he took off with $4900 in cold cash. One eye witness said, " I felt as if my life flashed before my eyes". Another witness said, " It was horrible, just horrible", and another witness said, " I wear panties".

Family members said that Sherman was robbing for his lover, Anna Clary. " I just love her mom, I was about to beat her unconscious when she gave me a dirty look, but then she told me her stomach doesnt produce bile, and I just knew she was the one", Sherman said.
Sherman is said to be wearing a Pauley Shore costume In hopes of not ever being noticed again, When asked for comment Pauley Shore stated, " I wear panties", and ran off screaming the shadow people are crazy. Some speculate Sherman will go on a vacation, some say he will break in the bank and put it back and leave a note that said, " Whoops". Who knows what this man will do, but I have found a bit of his memoirs to share with you.

" My childhood was normal, and very fruitful. I never really enjoyed education, I tried to be home schooled for college but wasn’t accepted. My father pushed me into athletics, he said that he wanted me to be an Olympic swimmer, I never really caught on to the sport. It was not that I hated swimming, I loved to go swimming, I just don’t like getting in the water. My father also never supported my writing career. I handed him my first play, Midsummer Nights Wet Dream, he scoffed at my writing and told me I was a bum and began to slowly eat the piece of paper".

Sherman is still on the loose, and the police are asking for all to stay in doors, he could be armed and dangerous, Police say he might be carrying a Herbal Essences shampoo bottle around, and we all know how bad that can sting if it gets in your eyes.
That is the breaking news today, thank you for watching, this is Debra Norisberg, stay tuned for the news at 11:00.

Memories of father

What can I say about my Father, my Father was kind man, a loyal man, a terrific speaker, and a devoted husband who got along with everyone ( I don’t care what anybody says, he was not a racist, he just hated black people). Till this day I still reflect on the moment my Father took me on a fishing trip. I still remember his face when I first hooked something. He was so excited for me, he looked me in the eyes and slowly pulled the hook from his bloody jaw. My Father never complained much, he would however complain about the heat, and the young kids who kept breaking into our home and hanging up pictures of other people. My father had a knack for bicycle riding, he loved to take long rides along the shore, and sometimes even would place the bike on the top of the car to go up to the mountains( that’s how we lost Grandma). He would love to watch thunder storms, and loved to take long walks in sun showers with my Mother. He often would strike up the conversation on how he met Mother. He would say how he was working on his bike when this beautiful women rode in on her bike and crashed into him, she flew over the handlebars. He pulled out the bike chain from his bloody Jaw, She looked into his eyes, he looked into hers, she got a mirror and looked into her eyes, then he got a mirror and looked into her eyes looking into her eyes, and he knew she was the one. She said he was the perfect gentleman, he would hold her hand and pay for diners, sing to her at night, and ask how much she weighed on the weekends. My Father served in Vietnam, he was a drill instructor who wore black plaid striped shirts, he said it was a overall good experience, except for the time he was captured by Vietnamese Soilders who dressed as Vietnamese Tourist. He woke up ten days later in a field with a cow, he said he was physically unharmed, but could now read Heighrogliphics. Once in a while my Father would take mother out on long diners, and sometimes take her on Hot air balloon rides ( Thats how we lost Grandpa). He was so proud of me when I got my first car, as I smiled at him I stepped on the gas petal and ran over a Nun (We spent the Night in Jail). My Father was a good man, who loved all of his children dearly(Except Ralph, he had too many freckles). I will always remeber his last worlds, " This Wool is Itchy"( He wasnt wearing wool). I now cherish my memories with Father, I have however repressed many of the Memories, for once in a while he would become drunk and say horrible things like, "Jack Daniels is your Father", or, " Kleenex". I love you Dad...

Where Are They Now? The 12 Disciples Edition

There once was a group that took the World by storm. Influencing with their best selling book, and sold out shows around the Nation. For these 12 young men formed at a early age, and where apart of a group that made history. The young men are, The 12 Disciples. Many know what happened to their front man, Jesus, but few know the story of the Disciples, so now I give you, Where are They Now: The 12 disciples edition.

Peter: A favorite of the ladies, Peter was a teen idol, even though he wasnt in his teens. Peter felt the urge to shed his bubble gum image and choose to do something much more dangerous. Today he traveles the world and takes fasinating pictures. His most famous picture however is when he was with the group, it’s a picture of Judas kissing Jesus as he says, " Don’t be gay dude". He has also made many discoveries, he discoverd a new type of salamander, with the head of a Salamander and the body of lettuce.

James: The elder of the group, has left the business but claims to still have spiritual activity today. He has claimed to have his spirit leave his body, and in some cases his body leave his spirit which proved to be very akward at tennis matches.

John- After the Disciples, John is now working in a laboratory, exploring math and science. He had a stint on oprah in which she conducted an experiment to see if placebos worked. However, when John found out the pills he was taking where fake, he became so upset he went home. There he choose to overdose on pills, however, after an hour it became apparent that these too where in fact placebos, and that Oprah is a crazy bitch.

Andrew: Andrew Joined a Two Man blues Trio, and fell in love with a girl who had trouble blinking in unison. His rock and roll life style caught up to him, and in late march entered a local rehab center. Today he is happily divorced. When asked what the leading cause of divorce was he responed, " Marriage".

Philip: There is no word on how Phillip is today, because his name is Phil, no one cares about that one, come on, his name is Phill. You don’t see the book of Phil do you? Ofcourse not, its Phil.

Nathanael: He still prophicises today, he often speaks and schools, churches, and clown strikes. His most recent work came out in 2003, in which him and his wife co wrote a brilliant book which touched apon the meaning of life. The Following is an excerpt. " The key to life is very simple. To live a long life, thy must me kind to thy neighbor, love thyself, Cherish quality time with loved ones, and do Heroine. Till this day no one knows what he was talking about.

Thomas: A crowd favorite, Thomas was always on the run from crazy fans. So crazy, one of them choose to have plastic surgury to look just like him. Unfornutanly, to this day we still can not tell them apart, so our interview was a bit odd. We do have however one statement each from each Thomas.
Thomas #1: " I believe man should be able to love whoever he desires, whether it be man, or women. As long as they still love god".

Thomas #2: " I believe man should be able to love whoever he desires whether it be man, or women. It takes three and a half minutes to make good popcorn".


Matthew: Fell into some trouble with the law after he egged Ponches Pilots House.

James: Today he still does some Disciple work, he soon regained fame for not just his work, but his wifes work. His wife was a noble women, who accomplished great deeds of heriosim, her last words on her death bed where, " I should of Slept around More".

Jude: Jude was a very meek, and tended to be on the shy side. He eventually became mentally ill, and till this day whever he hears the song American Pie, he dresses as a women.

Simon: Simon kept up his disciple work for a while, he later found a passion in taking long expeditions. His most famous one is when he went to the Jungle. His Expedetion was cut short however when he was taken hostage by an Elk.

Judas: When he Judas quite the group, he was eventually replaced by a shorter, more older man. He was quickly kicked out due to the fact that his sermons contained no intelligence at all. He also had an annoying catch phrase, " Who Done it, am I right?!". This catch phrase proved to be comical at certain moments, but failed to amuse at Funerals. " OH man, this guy is laying dead in this here box, can anyone give him a cough drop, cause he wont stop coffin, Who done it, am I right?" He was stabbed shortly after.

All Disciples are still in contact today, and still get together every year to dive into past memories, swim in their old success, and laugh about old times. like the time when the cat crawled under the deck and Simons granmda went go get and and they never saw her again. Or the time Peter became so drunk he went on a rampage in church, preaching about wine, and how mexicans have no nipples. And who could forget the time at the last supper when they all sat on the same side of the table cause Judas had gas. For now the group will stay broken up, but perhaps some day they will all meet again, it could happen in the near future, especially if this world war three buisness breaks out. For now, we can still read their book. Thank you, this has been Where are they Now?

Stay tuned, next week on the program, Where are they now: Waldo, who the hell knows?

The Great New Years Resolutions Of Adam Scharf

1. Stop Refering to myself as she.

2. Stop throwing objects at blind People to see if they are really blind.

3. Stop telling girls how much I think they weigh when I meet them.

4. Stop asking the judge where the white people sit in court.

5. Make Ryan Seacrest stop doing new Years

6. Stop bowing every time a chinease person walks in the room.

7. Name my kids Mom and Dad to confuse people

8. Invent A Walkmen Nano and put it on the Market.

9. Continue To give a sympathy Clap to any Kid who is in Last place in a Track or swimming Race. We Need to let them know that we appreciate them racing and that they suck.

10. Stop calling my black freinds Colored People

11. Stop getting Dissapointed when I make a sand castle on quick sand

12. Hire a Narrator to Narrate My actions when I am a loss for words