Help wanted, Writers Block

HELP, I need help. I am a journalist and I have massive writers block. I no longer feel like I can write on my own, I am writing this letter in hopes someone will help me!!! I’ve tried getting help from other people. I went to this one Professor who seemed to know how to cure the block. I trusted him and worked with him tirelessly on reports but he had a unique style of teaching. I stopped going after he placed a red lobster biscuit on my head and strangled my second cousin named Robert which we all called sal due to a bizarre book club incident in which half of his tongue was amputated and he can no longer pronounce Robert. I even went to a library to read as much as I could, I met a wonderful Librarian, she was sweet yet she had a suspicious haircut. She eventually called the cops on me when I kept starring at her chest and preceded to act like I didn’t know what time it was. Luckily I was not arrested for the police department was still grieving over the untimely death of their favorite pogonia. My favorite type of journalism is to cover crimes, that was my forte. I once won an award for my article on a local murderer who would attach skiis and a blindfold to his victims and send them down a rocky mountain side. To cover his crime he also attached a sign to the victims that read, " I thought it was the bunny hill". It managed to fool cops for a while, but it quickly ended when the murderer used the same sign during a drowning. I also did some undercover work, I once admitted myself into a jail to get the real experience. It was nice, I enjoyed the working out time, the food, and the forced coloring sessions. Basically I need that kind of creative stimulation, If you can help me, perhaps give me some techniques, it would be greatly appreciated.