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If the female you are trying to pursue decides to walk away, it might be a good idea to follow her to her car, even to her house if necessary. If she does not answer her phone, or the door, its now time to look in her windows. Once looking through her windows, this may be the time to show her that you have a sense of humor, and that you are witty. If she happens to be overweight, it is always encouraged to continuously point that out to her. Use a line like, " Maybe you should get lipo suction honey, ill call the butcher". Or maybe sneak in her house and make eggs that read, " Yeah, just keep on eating this, its going to make you look great". Either way, its going to be humorous, and she will instantly fall in love with you. If you do score a date, which I know you will, take her to a romantic place, if you still live at home with your parents, maybe you should get a job and stop being so lazy, oh im just kidding, but seriously. Take that girl of your dreams to a nice little restaurant, and always remember, let her pay the check, and always open the door for yourself, let her know that you are the independent type, make her believe chivalry is still dead. At the end of the date, a popular move is to kiss her goodnight, why don’t you show her that your not the cliche Romeo, and give her a nice firm slap on the ass.

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It Was A Stormy Night

It was a stormy night, the stormiest night Chicago has ever seen. Rain poured onto the floor like marbles hitting pavement. Wind screamed like howling wolves, and thunder pounded like powerful locomotives. It was a dark atmosphere, you see 26 weary travelers where about to embark on flight 2295, their destination, Connecticut. Their captain, James Pierce, their weather, terrible, David Lee Roth or Sammy Hagar, neither.
A young business man by the name of Allen Storesbocker soon entered the plane. He was sharply dressed in an all brown suit, a black derby, and a small umbrella at his side. You see, Alan was on a tight schedule, he needed to make it to Connecticut for a very important business meeting. The passengers sat in their seats, anxious to carry on with their flight. Unlucky business man Allen Storesbocker had the wing seat. The flight began to take off, slowly it drifted into the sky, powerful gust of wind tried to slow the plane down, then the pilot got on the speakers.
" Hello all, this is your captain speaking, James Pierce, I want you to all have a nice flight and I have one testicle".
The plane seemed to relax after a while, and many started to find sleep. Allen on the other hand could find no sleep, for he just had 306 cups of coffee. He needed to take his mind of things, so he opened up the window and starred into the deep dark sky. His eyes seemed to fall into its dark abyss as his mind drifted from star to star. All of a sudden a strange figure started to come in focus. It would seem as if someone was sitting on the wing of the plane. " I must be seeing things", thought Alan. He closed the window and tried to sleep. Then he heard a tapping on the window, he opened it slowly, being careful not to draw attention. He gazed out there and there the figure was again, " Hey pal", Allen whispered to the passenger next to him. " Hey buddy, wake up Sir". " What, what is it?" The passenger slowly came from his deep sleep. " Listen to me, this may sound a bit odd, but I think there is someone, or something on the wing of this plane. I know it sounds crazy, honest I know. Please just take a look, I want to know if im losing my mind or not". The passenger looked at Allen and responded, " sure, ok, but after I want to get some sleep ok?" Allen opened up the window once again, the man looked out and squinted his eyes. " Do you see it?", asked Allen. "No, no I don’t see anything, perhaps you just need to get some rest". The man returned to his sleep position and closed his eyes. Allen then peered out the window himself, and indeed there was nothing there.
"Ms. Oh Ms.? Please get me a pillow, I wish to sleep now". The attendant soon came back with a soft pillow and placed it under Allens head.
" Boy I must be off my rocker, come on Allen get some sleep", he said to himself. Soon he heard thudding, loud thudding coming from his left. He looked all around the plane, then looked out the window. " I see it!" Shouted Allen. He looked at the figure who now appeared to be reading a G Q magezine. " Look, everyone look out my window, there’s something on the wing, there is I tell you, there is!" Many passengers soon looked at the window. " My god, there is something out there". The figure now doing crunches on a medicine ball. An attendant looked at the figure, " I think it looks like a man". A passenger with a large mustache peered out the window. " It is a man". Allen now gazing at the figure, " But who is it?" A women stood up, " It kind of looks like Corey Feldman. " My god it does, it does look like Corey Feldman", said a women. " Oh come on, Corey Feldman?", said a man. The attendant looked out the window, " I think it is him". Soon everyone was looking out the window trying to figure out why Corey Feldman was on the wing of an Air Plane. " Its not Corey Feldman", screamed Allen at the top of his lungs. " Listen, I think we should tell the pilot".
The pilot then came out of the cock pit, " What is everyone yelling about"? An attendant approached him, " Captain Pierce, this may sound odd, but it appears that there is a creature on the wing". Captain looked puzzled, " Let me have a look". He looked out the window and sure enough there was a figure, who was now riding an exercise bike. " Why, it looks like Corey Feldman". Allen now becoming frustrated, " For heavens sake, its not Corey Feldman"! I think we should talk to it", said an attendant. " By the way captain, no one is flying the plane". The captain then stood up strait and said, " Listen, I think I should go fly the plane, but we need to stay calm, Im sure Mr. Feldman had a good reason for being on the wing of this aircraft".
Allen then sat back in his seat in deep thought, " We need to talk to it", Allen got a piece of paper and a black magic marker and started to write. He held up the sign to the window which read, "Who are you". A few minutes later the figure held up a sign that said, " I like corn on the cob". Allen wrote another one which said, " Please, Who are you?" The figure then held up a sign that said, " You can dance If you want to, you can leave you friends behind...". Allen now very frustrated screamed at the figure, " Show yourself!". The figure then proceeded to clip his toenails.
" I don’t know what kind of creature that is sir, but I don’t think it likes you", said a man. "Enough, im going to get to the bottom of this", Allen then went to the back of the air craft where he could think. He locked himself in the bathroom and thought. First he thought about the passengers, then he thought about the creature on the wing, then he looked at the razor slots in the bathroom and wondered if people actually shave in these things. Once he got a plan, he opened up the door at returned to his seat, once there he looked at his fellow passengers and noticed that they where dressed in Michael Jackson outfits. " Listen up people, we are going to have to fly the air plane upside down, we need that thing to be off. Everyone get back in their seats, and strap that seat belt on very tightly". Then a man interrupted, " but the light isn’t on." Allen then looked at him, " It does not matter, you need to put it on". Allen then walked into the cockpit, the pilot was busy playing connect four. " Captain, listen to me. You have to fly the plane upside down, we need that creature to fall off. " I suppose that is the only way. The altitude looks pretty good, and so does the height. Tell everyone to hold on tight and buckle in, and that Green apple Jolly ranchers taste bad". Allen then went to his seat and strapped in tight, he looked at the window. The figure was starring at him. He plane slowly began to drift upside down. " This will do it", Allen said to himself. The plane was almost completely upside down. On wing, the figure was coloring, he began to realize that the plane was going upside down and appeared to start swearing. Little by little, the creature could not hang on. Eventually he let go and the plane went back to its upright position. " WE DID IT", screamed Allen. Everyone began to clap and cheer, Allen stood and said, " Its over, now lets get to Connecticut, and forget this every happened".
Finally the plane reached its destination, and everyone exited the plane. " Glad that is over", Allen then got his bags and exited the plane. He breathed in a sigh of relief and got into a taxi. " Take me to the red roof in". The taxi driver then turned around, " No, this cant be, no!" The creature was driving the taxi ( How predictable was that, clearly the story wasn’t over cause there is so much writing on this page). "Listen , pull over, now, do it now. I bet you don’t even have a licence". The creature drove the car to an old cave, and shut off the car and got out. Then realizing he left his lights on went back in and shut them off. " Get out!" Allen then got out of the car. " Don’t hurt me". The creature then sat down at a table with drinks all over it. " Do you think its easy? Do you think its easy being a creature who sits on wings, everybody thinks im that creature in the twilight Zone episode, well im not, I just happen to sit on wings of planes, is that so wrong? By the way your not leaving here". Allen needed to think of a plan, he first thought he would fight is way out, but then he realized that the creature was stronger than he. He then started to have the creature say all his problems and pour him drinks. Eventually the creature became intoxicated and the two had a really nice time. They laughed and talked about old times, Once Allen laughed so hard milk came out of his nose, which was odd for he was drinking orange juice. The creature stood up and looked at Allen and started to weep. " What am I doing, I should not be doing this, please, you can leave". Allen then stood up and said, " ok". Allen walked away, first he felt happy, then he felt depressed, then he felt noshes for milk was still coming out of his nose. Allen looked at the creature and stated, " Ill visit you again, Perhaps you can come on more planes".
On Allen went, on his walk back to the red roof inn, he reflected on his experience. " Maybe the creature who sits on wings of air planes is a good thing, he is not so bad". He concluded that everyone needs love, and that it may be tough being different, but sometimes its ok to be the one on the wing of an air plane, even though your hat would keep blowing off. He also realized that he did kind of look like Corey Feldman.

Medical Report

Mrs. Smith: Hello, are you the Doctor who operated on my husband? How is he?

Doctor Roberts: Hello Mrs. Smith, I am doctor Roberts, and I am the doctor who worked on your husband. He is a terrific man miss, and I did everything I could, I slaved over his body, using all that modern medicine could give. He is alive, and with god willing, he will be around for many more years to come. Your husband is very much responsive, and my guess he will be ready to depart from this hospital in approximately two weeks. Now when he does eventually come home, I want you to know that he is very much a normal man, and should be treated as if this whole ordeal never happened, do you understand me? Treat him as if he is still a normal happy go lucky guy. The same man you fell in love with those many years ago. Now listen to me Mrs. Smith, though the surgery was a success, and he is alive. There are some minor side effects and extra precautions you must now take into serious consideration, though these precautions and side effects are minor, they may slightly change your life, and you must learn to adapt around these misfortunes. Now, first side effect he will be experiencing is lack of vision, this should clear up in 2 to 3 months. Also he will start to lose hair on his body, im afraid it might never grow back. He may also have bladder trouble, all you need to do is simply keep a bed pan around him at all times. Dry eyes is another side effect, and so is making lots of Star Jones jokes. Also your husband may pretend to be a bunny rabbit, this is very normal and can be dealt by simply dressing as a horse and shaking you hoof at him. He can also experience dry mouth, just keep feeding him ice chips, and make sure that he is taking lots of liquids. You should also know that he may seem different, almost as if he is another person. He could come home and act like his sister, or best friend, or even Carl Winslow, the lovable cop and father in the sit-com, "Family Matters". You also may find him crawled up in a corner wearing a chicken costume singing My Heart Will Go On, this im afraid is the most common side effect. He also will take a strong liking to sheep shearing, and occasionally will walk around the house speaking Yiddish. Please understand Mrs. Smith, you need to love him, love is the most effective medicine these days, always has been, and always will. Oh, and I almost forgot. You also need to read him the great Gatsby every time he clips his toe nails. Oh, and I accidently put a box of Lorna dunes inside your husbands liver, it was my mistake. You see a nurse came up to me with a cup of apple juice while I was operating. I though it was a urine sample and I accidently cut open you husbands stomach and opened up his liver, I went to the store and purchased a box of lorna dunes and placed it inside. Oh, and he can only attend football games dressed as Benjamin Franklin. I hope you can live with this, think of it as a blessing. Goodbye Mrs. Smith, and im sure he wont need to be circumcised again.

Mrs. Smith: ................ok.

The True Adventures Of Lewis And Clark

Lewis and Clark where riding through a deadly desert. Lewis was sitting on the other side of the wagon, for Clark had a terrible cold which caused him to loose control of his right arm. As the wagon traveled it rocked and jumped. Eventually the sand became too deep, and the wagon could go no further. They continued their expedition on foot, both felt the staggering presence of paranoia, for they knew they where being followed. Being followed by a man named koobawa, who had a passion for Gazebos. They first saw Koobawa when they came across his tribe of cannibals. They managed to escape by Tip Toeing away while singing Desperado. This was better then the last time they had to escape, in which Clark dressed as a tree. It took longer for him to escape for the Tribe liked the tree so much they used it as a Christmas tree. Luckily they weren’t like those people who take down the tree in July, it was shortly taken down in January. Clark had not been recognized, it was suspicious however when there was a party and the tree flirted with some of the females. The Tree was soon arrested for sexual harassment, he was released shortly on good behavior. When he returned to the tribe as a tree they all welcomed him, and one of the females fell in love with the tree and they soon became married. After their second child Clark revealed to her that he was not a tree and left.

Koobawa was following them because he knew that they where going to see if spirits where still in the tomb of Derrick. Lewis and Clark took a break from walking and sat on a log. Lewis was becoming hot, the sun was blazing and it didn’t help that there was a small Korean man sitting on his lap. He quickly shooed him away and took a swig of water. " Im so hungry", said Clark. Clark then gazed at Lewis, who suddenly turned into a drum stick in Clark’s mind. Then Lewis gazed at Clark and he turned into a piece of bacon. Then Koowaba gazed at Lewis, but he turned into nothing cause Koowba is a Cannibal, and that my friends is terrible imagery. Clark soon came to wonder why there was a log in the middle of the dessert. " WAIT, I know, this log is a marker, we must be getting close to the tomb". " Finally, we are going to see if spirits still roam the Tomb of Derrick, then we can report it to the president, and he can be happy and not pay us enough". "Exactly", Lewis said proudly.

On they traveled, deep into the night, and far into the morning. They came up to a big rock which had a large Neon sign that said Derricks Tomb. " This must be it Clark". " My God, it is, it really is". " Lets knock on this door". Lewis then gave a large pound on the door. " Who be there?" said a deep voice. "It is Lewis and Clark". " And Koowaba", he whispers from behind a cactus. " For we are the great explorers of the Louisiana Purchase". The door slowly opened to reveal a small women with a mustache and a mullet that kind of looked like the one that John Stamos had in the first season of Full house, but not really.

" This way, we have been expecting you". They slowly crept down a dark corridor which was dimly lit by George Formen grills. They came up to a room, they entered cautiously and sat down in the chairs. For there was not enough chairs for everyone, a brief game of musical chairs soon began. Clark lost, but soon claimed that Koowaba was cheating, he brought up a good point and he got the chair. All the lights in the room shut off quickly and a cool breeze swept the room. A large Spirit soon floated down in front of them. " I am the ghost of Derrick, and this is my tomb. You have already met one of my spirits, the really ugly women, and here is Sean. Sean is a very old spirit who had a hard time adapting from making candles flicker to turning off light switches really fast when electricity was invented. How do you like this"? All of a sudden chains grabbed old of the boys and they where all trapped, water slowly began to leak in. " OH no, what are we going to do"? Said Clark. " Just stay calm, we just have to think". " Great just great, I start to follow you thinking you are great explorers, and look at the mess you have gotten ourselves into". Koowaba screamed. " Stop, Just stop it, we have to think, we still have time to get out of this, just think"! The boys thought long and hard, then Koowaba had a question. " Hey, what ever happened to that Sakajeweya women?" " Well Clark over here kept calling her sack of shit, she eventually got sick of it, and after he said it again she slowly tip toed away while saying the pledge of allegiance". Lewis then starred at Clark, who then stared at Lewis, Koowaba starred at Clark. Then Clark starred at Koowaba. Then Lewis starred at Koowaba, so Koowaba starred at him. " Look! There is a key over there, well at least I think it is, do you see that rock over there, I think it has a key sticking out of it. I think it is, Clark you are the closest, grab it with your feet". " Which rock"? Says Clark. " The one that kind of looks like Donnie Wahlberg". The water now up to their knees and still flowing. Clark gets a hold of the rock with his feat. " You know I don’t like Donnie Wahlberg". " Really"?, said Koowaba. " Yeah, I really don’t like him". The giant spirit soon appeared. " Not like Donnie Wahlberg, how can you not like Donny Wahlberg", Bellowed the spirit in a deep voice. " I don’t know I just don’t, I mean he just does not seem like a proper entertainer". The spirit spoke once again, " But come on, its Marky Mark". The water now up to their belly buttons, and Koowba’s third nipple, Clark needed to move fast.

Clark unlocked himself, then Lewis, and then Koowaba. " Alright Lewis we need to get out of here fast". " Not so fast boys you are not going to go anywhere cause you are going to live with me forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and you are going to be happy and you will enjoy your stay here cause I will make you enjoy it ( Run on sentence). Lewis and Clark seemed to be in a terrible jam, for they where now trapped in the Tomb, with a very large spirit, a really ugly women, a canabal, and ghost named Sean who was now enjoying a roast beef sandwich.

Koowaba then screamed, " We are trapped, we are never going to get out of here". The spirit looked at them and started to do a evil laugh, he then began to choke, then resumed the evil laugh. " You will never get out of here!" Soon the chains where back on them, and water once again began to flow in. It would seem as if now the boys where going to die with a cannibal, a ugly women, a big spirit, and a ghost named Sean who was now clipping his toe nails.

Suddenly a large explosion rang through the tomb. "What was that!", screamed the spirit of Derrick. " Hello my friends". For it was Sakajeweya, here to save the day. " Sack of shit, nice to see you". She then slowly walked away. " NO, he is kidding, come back". She then came back, and carried the three men all at once out of the tomb. She stayed behind and taught the spirits how to grow really large pieces of corn.

For another day had passed, and Lewis and Clark could now carry on their adventure. " Hey Lewis, can you believe we got out of this one", said Clark. " It was hard, but we sure had an adventure though right buddy". " We sure did Lewis, we sure did". Then all of a sudden a spirit figure approached and yelled, " Im going to eat you all, you cant escape". " OH no, you stay away", screamed Clark. Then the spirit took of the white sheet to reveal Koowaba. "Gotcha". All the boys laughed, " OH Koowaba, you silly cannibal", he was immediately stabbed. The boys then rode off into the sunset, once again no one sitting next to Clark for he had a new cold in which he could not control the movement of his ears.

Breaking News

There was a bank Robbery on 45th avenue today, near the shopping plaza. A man by the name of Sherman Oliver strolled into First Source Bank and politely gave the clerk a piece of paper. The clerk said the paper was written in Spanish, she had took a little bit in highschool so she came to the conclusion that it said, ", This is a Stick up", but she wasn’t sure. So she called over a Spanish Clerk. He read the piece of paper and determined it was upside down. When turned to its proper reading viewing point it did say this is a stick up, and the two had a brief chuckle.

Sherman apparently became frustrated at went crazy, I as a good reporter I did a brief research on this thief. Sherman was not an ordinary man, for Sherman Oliver was an inspiring writer. He slaved over his type writer to compose brilliant work. Sherman walked into an talent agency hoping that he would score a deal for his writings. The talent agent glanced at the sheet and stated, " your never going to make it kid", and slowly ate the piece of paper. Down on life he turned to a life of crime. His first robbery was the circus, he tried to rob a group of ventriloquist but ran away in confusion from not knowing which one was actually talking. Apparently he just kept robbing places from there, including the one today. The robbery today was a brutal one, he took off with $4900 in cold cash. One eye witness said, " I felt as if my life flashed before my eyes". Another witness said, " It was horrible, just horrible", and another witness said, " I wear panties".

Family members said that Sherman was robbing for his lover, Anna Clary. " I just love her mom, I was about to beat her unconscious when she gave me a dirty look, but then she told me her stomach doesnt produce bile, and I just knew she was the one", Sherman said.
Sherman is said to be wearing a Pauley Shore costume In hopes of not ever being noticed again, When asked for comment Pauley Shore stated, " I wear panties", and ran off screaming the shadow people are crazy. Some speculate Sherman will go on a vacation, some say he will break in the bank and put it back and leave a note that said, " Whoops". Who knows what this man will do, but I have found a bit of his memoirs to share with you.

" My childhood was normal, and very fruitful. I never really enjoyed education, I tried to be home schooled for college but wasn’t accepted. My father pushed me into athletics, he said that he wanted me to be an Olympic swimmer, I never really caught on to the sport. It was not that I hated swimming, I loved to go swimming, I just don’t like getting in the water. My father also never supported my writing career. I handed him my first play, Midsummer Nights Wet Dream, he scoffed at my writing and told me I was a bum and began to slowly eat the piece of paper".

Sherman is still on the loose, and the police are asking for all to stay in doors, he could be armed and dangerous, Police say he might be carrying a Herbal Essences shampoo bottle around, and we all know how bad that can sting if it gets in your eyes.
That is the breaking news today, thank you for watching, this is Debra Norisberg, stay tuned for the news at 11:00.

Memories of father

What can I say about my Father, my Father was kind man, a loyal man, a terrific speaker, and a devoted husband who got along with everyone ( I don’t care what anybody says, he was not a racist, he just hated black people). Till this day I still reflect on the moment my Father took me on a fishing trip. I still remember his face when I first hooked something. He was so excited for me, he looked me in the eyes and slowly pulled the hook from his bloody jaw. My Father never complained much, he would however complain about the heat, and the young kids who kept breaking into our home and hanging up pictures of other people. My father had a knack for bicycle riding, he loved to take long rides along the shore, and sometimes even would place the bike on the top of the car to go up to the mountains( that’s how we lost Grandma). He would love to watch thunder storms, and loved to take long walks in sun showers with my Mother. He often would strike up the conversation on how he met Mother. He would say how he was working on his bike when this beautiful women rode in on her bike and crashed into him, she flew over the handlebars. He pulled out the bike chain from his bloody Jaw, She looked into his eyes, he looked into hers, she got a mirror and looked into her eyes, then he got a mirror and looked into her eyes looking into her eyes, and he knew she was the one. She said he was the perfect gentleman, he would hold her hand and pay for diners, sing to her at night, and ask how much she weighed on the weekends. My Father served in Vietnam, he was a drill instructor who wore black plaid striped shirts, he said it was a overall good experience, except for the time he was captured by Vietnamese Soilders who dressed as Vietnamese Tourist. He woke up ten days later in a field with a cow, he said he was physically unharmed, but could now read Heighrogliphics. Once in a while my Father would take mother out on long diners, and sometimes take her on Hot air balloon rides ( Thats how we lost Grandpa). He was so proud of me when I got my first car, as I smiled at him I stepped on the gas petal and ran over a Nun (We spent the Night in Jail). My Father was a good man, who loved all of his children dearly(Except Ralph, he had too many freckles). I will always remeber his last worlds, " This Wool is Itchy"( He wasnt wearing wool). I now cherish my memories with Father, I have however repressed many of the Memories, for once in a while he would become drunk and say horrible things like, "Jack Daniels is your Father", or, " Kleenex". I love you Dad...